When Martha Conley and her husband found out their son, Garrard, was gay 14 years ago, they consulted members of their Baptist community about what to do and were advised to send him to a conversion therapy program. Garrard later penned a powerful memoir about this painful experience. Now his story is being told in a feature film, “Boy Erased”.
We spent some time with Martha, recently, when she flew to New York City to help promote the film. Nicole Kidman plays her character in “Boy Erased,” Nancy. She’s a mother agonizing over the decision to send her son, Jared (Lucas Hedges, “Manchester by the Sea”), away after he is outed. Eventually, Nancy pulls Jared out of the conversion facility, where he had been subjected to abuse. Russell Crowe plays Nancy’s Baptist pastor husband, Marshall, who struggles with his faith. Joel Edgerton (“Red Sparrow”) adapted Garrard’s memoir, directed, and stars.
“Boy Erased” is a big deal for Martha, who lives in Mountain Home, Arkansas with her husband. When asked about the first time she saw it, she teared up and said it was at the Toronto International Film Festival this year. “I was told that when the credits rolled, we’d be whisked onto the stage,” she remembered. “It was sold-out. Seventeen-hundred people were in the theater. I kept thinking I can’t just go to pieces through this. I did everything I could to hold back the tears in my eyes and I gripped Garrard to death.”
The love between the mother and son is evident in the film and in real life. “Growing up, Garrard always came with us everywhere,” Martha said. “Even after [conversion therapy], we were still very close. There was a time it was difficult, when I was trying to accept him and asked him to explain everything to me, but there was tension. Now we are closer, and our relationship is back, going through all of this.”
Kidman and Hedges in “Boy Erased.” Kidman’s character is based on Martha Conley. Image credit: Focus Features
“All of this” refers to the film’s press tour. Martha and Garrard have joined up to retell their painful stories together with a deep understanding of how important they, as well as their words, are. In conversation, the two bounce off each other, somewhat effortlessly, providing a deep history of their relationship and the story behind the film. Their closeness is self-evident.
Garrard told Women and Hollywood that he prefers his mother’s presence during the interviews. “It’s definitely easier than doing it by myself,” he said. “A lot of times I have to keep talking about my own trauma over and over again, so it’s nice to have her around to talk about her trauma.”
At the time, Martha and her husband felt they were doing the right thing by sending Garrard to Love in Action, the conversion center in Memphis, Tennessee. She still has guilt — a lot of it. “We were so naive,” she recalled. “We grew up in the church. I was married to a pastor. We joke now about it now but I did take him to the doctor for a hormone test. I thought it was a hormone imbalance. I’m embarrassed to say I believed that at the time. It’s really how naive I was.” She continued, “So when I called the center to inquire, they said all the people there had been through this and that they had an 84 percent cure rate. I do have to say that instantly in my brain I thought, “What happens to the other 16 percent?”, but I convinced myself that they didn’t want to be changed. That’s how I pushed that one away.”
Later she discovered the truth about Love in Action and pulled Garrard out. There’s a scene in the movie where Nancy runs to the center, after getting a tearful call for help from Jared, and bangs on the door until he’s released. It must be difficult for Martha to watch the scene, but she insists that seeing the film has just advanced her dedication to the cause. “It wasn’t until Garrard was enrolled in the program that I began to research gay conversion therapy. I found out that it’s outlawed in nine states and has been denounced by many medical groups,” she told us.
Finding out that Kidman would be playing her in the film made Martha feel grateful to have someone so dedicated to the role. To her surprise and delight, that respect was returned. “Nicole was so thankful. She kept thanking me for letting her play my part. I thought Joel was kidding when he told me she had taken the role,” she revealed. “But she took it so seriously as a mom. She’s the real deal. She just wanted to get it right. When I was on the set, we’d kick our shoes off and talk about our kids. Garrard has a story about one of the first times he watched the film. Nicole had seen how uncomfortable he was [watching it] and started rubbing his back. It shows how seriously she took the role.”
Asked about what she hopes people learn after seeing “Boy Erased,” Martha said, “The main thing I want people to do is not to do what I did. I didn’t do my homework.” She went on, “Where I live, people still don’t know what conversion therapy is. I just don’t want people to go through the guilt I went through. On any issue you are not sure of about is being done to your child, delve into it and then make your decision and not the opposite way, [like I did], and spend the rest of your life apologizing to your child.”
More than anything, Martha’s dedication to her son and his story is fierce. “Mom really had to step out of her comfort zone and come to my rescue and that took a lot of courage,” Garrard said. “To go back to that community and do that every day consistently while people don’t agree with you is something I couldn’t even do.”
“Boy Erased” opens today, November 2.
